Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
