thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
