Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
