she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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