Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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