Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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