Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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