I'm so fucking centered right now
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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