If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize