Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
