The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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