i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize