dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
