chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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