I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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