Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize