Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
