if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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