I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
