I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
