If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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