Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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