Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
