I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
