i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
