Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
