I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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