You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
