there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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