remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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