Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
