nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize