he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
