I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
