i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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