New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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