We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
