I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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