no, he came in my armpit
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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