Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
