those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
