I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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