I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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