Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize