I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
