in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
