She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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