You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
