i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
