took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
