for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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