I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize