At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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