why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
