I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Every concussion has its silver lining
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
