Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
