my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
