The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
