In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
