Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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