I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The best revenge is premature balding
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
