Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
