I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
