I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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