I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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