If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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