dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
