I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
