Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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