I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
