i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
