that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
