When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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