went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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